Reading through Time Magazine, I came across this amazing image of Chinese commandos on Assault Segways. The Assault Segway appears to offer no advantage over typical Segways aside from being black. This is, of course, yet another example of the Chinese using our own technology against us.

Of course, the Chinese still have a way to go before they have a real Rolling Thunder. The Assault Segway may have a machine gun, but it does not have a rocket tower.

Nobody beats GI Joe. GI Joe Rolling Thunder,
Cobra’s running scared, starting to wonder…
can he survive the Rolling Thunder?
Nobody beats GI Joe. GI Joe Rolling Thunder,
Machine gun cannon and a rocket tower,
Rolling Thunder is an awesome power!
Nobody beats GI Joe, a real American hero!

China is expected to deploy legions of Segway commandos to the Olympics this year. The Olympics have a long history of employing unique crime prevention tools. The 1996 Atlanta Olympics saw the use of the Kroger Blimp, at the time the world’s largest. Many Atlanta residents can still recall being surveilled by the blimp, which carried a sniper on board.

Source: Time

An exciting race today in Montreal saw Robert Kubica win his first Grand Prix as BMW-Sauber finished one-two. This is the first race since the 2006 Japanese GP won by a constructor other than Ferrari or McLaren. David Coulthard took the last position on the podium in this unusual race.

Crazy Gear favorite Fernando Alonso was on his way to finishing a solid third, but had a gearbox failure as he pursued Heidfeld, which forced him to retire on lap 44.

Then you have Lewis Hamilton. Yes, the same Lewis Hamilton that the press goes wild for time after time. He gets paid £15 million a year because of his superstar status, and while he was admittedly good for a rookie last year, keep in mind he was driving for McLaren, not Minardi. He also had his fair share of luck, even at the last race in Monaco, as the safety car mitigated the time he lost after slamming into a wall.

But enough about that. What did Hamilton do this time? He failed to observe 1) a huge red traffic light, 2) cars slowing down and/or stopped in front of him, and 3) a grid girl holding an octagon-shaped stop sign. After gunning out of the pits, Hamilton planted his McLaren into the back of Kimi Raikkonen’s Ferrari.

“There’s not much I can say,” was Raikkonen’s reaction. “My race was ruined by Hamilton’s mistake. Obviously, anyone can make mistakes, as I did two weeks ago in Monaco, but it’s one thing to make a mistake at two hundred (miles) per hour but another to hit a car stopped at a red light. I am not angry because that doesn’t achieve anything and does not change my result! I am unhappy, because I had a great chance of winning.”

Now that’s not even a “rookie mistake;” even you and I know how to stop at a red light. The FIA is exploring the option of additional penalties for the incident — more on that as it becomes available.

Edit: The FIA has penalized both Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton with a 10-spot grid penalty at the French GP for failure to stop at a red light.

Alright, so just to be fair, Alonso had his own stupid mistake two weeks ago in Monaco as he was well underway to finish fifth, colliding with Nick Heidfeld in an unusual takeover attempt on the Fairmont hairpin, ruining both drivers’ races and creating a momentary traffic jam at the ultra-slow corner.

As we expected, Alonso has been taking a lot more risks in his less-competitive Renault. Pushing the limits certainly describes what he’s trying to do, but it has yet to turn in a great result this year. In Spain, his car caught on fire; in Turkey, he finished sixth; and in Monaco, tenth.

The next race is the French GP at Magny-Cours, where we hope to see Renault finally pull through and have a good showing at their home circuit.

Driver Standings
Robert Kubica, 42
Lewis Hamilton, 38
Felipe Massa, 38
Kimi Räikkönen, 35
Nick Heidfeld, 28
Heikki Kovalainen, 15
Mark Webber, 15
Jarno Trulli, 12

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will address the West in a new message, according to a banner ad from the group’s production wing posted on Islamist Web sites known to carry messages from al Qaeda and bin Laden.

That’s right, banner ads for Osama bin Laden’s next mix tape for the West. It will feature some of his greatest hits with a “funky fresh beat” (closest possible translation). Mr. bin Laden will speak on the topic of the 60th anniversary of the Israeli occupation.

Osama’s last single, Iraq is the Great Base, was released March 20. It has been downloaded over 600,000 times. Al Qaeda producer Syed Ali expects this next tape to “go platinum” as America’s foreign policy image is at an all time low.

Crazy Gear Forensic Labs believes Osama bin Laden has been dead since 2003. Recent videos have reused clips of previous bin Laden footage. Mentions of so-called “current events” are either dubbed in or pieced together from previous recordings.

Comparing footage from videos released over the years, his hair color also changes from a pale grey in 2004 videos to a rich black in his 2007 hit, I Hate Israel (feat. Shabaan Abdel Raheem). This leads us to believe that if Osama is in fact still alive, he has access to Just For Men products to Stay in the Game™.

It’s been a while since we’ve focused on MARTA, Atlanta’s public transportation service. One of our Canadian readers brought this video to our attention. It’s best that you watch it before we explain it.

Basically what you have is a crazy woman wearing a red Atlanta Braves hat who goes nuts, yelling at an old lady about “assassinating George Bush.” She then bursts into song about more nonsense, such as “I’ma beat yo ass on this train,” and “I’ma ram through the White House and keep talkin’ my shit.”

About two and a half minutes into the video, all hell breaks loose when she sees “the same nigga from Glenwood.” She then attempts to assault a passenger who pulls on her fake hair in self defense. Realizing that her weave has been exposed under her do-rag, she frantically looks for her “A Hat” so she can get off the train.

“I’m pressin’ charges!”

After weeks of speculation about the future of the Super Aguri F1 team, a final attempt to save the team has failed. Team founder and principal Aguri Suzuki announced that they are to withdraw from the 2008 FIA Formula One World Championship with immediate effect due to financial problems.

Crazy Gear thanks the Super Aguri F1 team for all the great memories. Yuji Ide was one of the most entertaining drivers on (and off) the track, even if he put every other drivers’ life in jeopardy.

Over the years, Super Aguri evolved into a point-scoring Formula One contender.

Super Aguri’s founder, Aguri Suzuki, was the first driver to perform the art of kamikaze racing in 1989.

Super Aguri took to the track with this slightly modified and heavily stripped Arrows 2002 chassis with Honda V8 power.

Yuji Ide’s accident cost him his Super License.

Super Aguri’s greatest accomplishment, Takuma Sato passing World Champion Alonso’s injured McLaren.

Alonso was light on fuel and “heavy on the chicanes” at his home race at Barcelona today. The stands were packed with fans adorning his colors, waiting to see the resurgence of the two-time World Champion after promising performances in practice and qualifying P2 on Saturday.

The race got off to a bad start, with Massa getting around him on the first turn. He pushed the R28 to its limit, holding third place until he had to take an early pit stop to refuel. After rejoining the pack, he looked set to finish a solid 5th, a considerable improvement since the start of the season. Unfortunately, the upgraded shark fin R28 just couldn’t take it and it caught fire in front of tens of thousands of disappointed fans. Perhaps Renault will add a blowhole to the design to allow for better engine cooling.

Sure it was fun to see Alonso racing at the top again, even if it was for only half the race. Reliability aside, Renault appears to have a much more competitive car and it remains to be seen where they will end up in the constructors championship.

Meanwhile, Ferrari finished 1-2 with McLaren’s Hamilton taking the last position on the podium. In what sounds like bad news for Hamilton, Raikkonen confirmed in the post-race press conference that he had been on cruise control for a grand prix victory that must rank as the easiest of his F1 career.

“We didn’t need to push,” the Finn remarked. “If we wanted to push, we could go much faster, for sure, but there’s no point in risking anything or using the engine more than you needed to.”

In other McLaren news, Heikki Kovalainen had an accident on lap 22, planting his car squarely into a tyre wall doing 220km/h. The driver escaped with nothing more than a concussion and sore elbow despite sustaining the extreme force of impact.

“Heikki was lucky because it was a big accident,” said McLaren CEO Martin Whitmarsh. “It was a big accident and lasted 100 milliseconds which is quite a long one.

“The force was 26G - that is 26 times your body weight. It is a higher G-force than you get if you are strapped into the ejector seat of a military aircraft. When you see the state of the chassis it is a frightening thing to look at.”

The exact cause of the accident is still undetermined. All we know at this point is that there was a failure of the forged magnesium wheel rim. Possible explanations for this include debris getting into the wheel, an unusually heavy impact with a kerb, manufacturing faults, or the use of tack deployment mechanisms (TDMs).

TDMs have been banned from Formula One since their initial use in the 1962 French Grand Prix. Several drivers, including Michael Schumacher, have been suspected of deploying tacks on the track to deflate other drivers’ tyres. The prevalence of cameras in modern F1 racing has made such a tactic very difficult to pull off, but a cunning driver may try to toss a few tacks onto the track while simultaneously removing a tear-off visor foil.

Rumors in the Spanish press point to the possibility of Alonso throwing tacks at the McLaren, mistaking Kovalainen for his arch-rival, Lewis Hamilton.

Honda announced that it will not bail out Super Aguri even if it means the cash-strapped team may not even last until the end of this year’s Championship.

Earlier this week team boss Aguri Suzuki revealed that Magma Group had pulled the plug on a multi-million pound deal that would have saved the team.

“It is with deep regret I am now forced to consider the future of the team, however, negotiations with other parties continue,” Aguri said.

One party he was rumoured to be in talks with was Honda. However, they have denied that Super Aguri have even made a request for financial rescue, adding that they only intend providing the team with their current engine and technical support.

Honda’s refusal could prove to the last battle lost in Super Aguri’s bid to survive with some predicting that they may not even make the grid for next weekend’s Spanish GP.

In other news, Crazy Gear has learned that Super Aguri is currently transporting its equipment to Spain for the race, although the team will need to raise approximately 2 million euros by Monday if they are to compete.

A solution is finally available for first-generation Mac Pro owners who have been dying to replace their failing ATI Radeon X1900 XT cards. Apple has listed a “NVIDIA GeForce 8800 GT (1st Generation) Graphics Upgrade Kit for Mac Pro” for sale at its online store, shipping in 3-5 days. The cost is $279.

We certainly won’t miss the X1900. The quality of ATI cards has plummeted since its acquisition by AMD in 2006. AMD may stand for Advanced Micro Devices, but may as well stand for “Asians Making Dollars” as the company has changed its focus to China.

The X1900 XT has gone through at least three revisions to address the cascading thermal issues, none of them successful. The cards in question were manufactured in connection to the AMD Zhongguancun Science Park facility.

Editor’s Note: Crazy Gear holds nothing against Asians. However, we can’t stand terrible, defective products.

The Bahrain Grand Prix certainly went exactly how we had hoped. Massa redeemed himself, finishing first ahead of his teammate Kimi Räikkönen. Following the Ferraris were both BMW Saubers driven by Robert Kubica and Nick Heidfeld. Heikki Kovalainen again outshined his “golden boy” teammate, finishing fifth for McLaren.

Rounding out the points paying positions were Jarno Trulli (Toyota), Mark Webber (Red Bull), and Nico Rosberg (Williams). Crazy Gear’s favorite two-time World Champion Fernando Alonso drove his damaged R28-Elf car to finish 10th, just behind Timo Glock.

Then you had the regular crowd filling up the back of the track, with one notable addition. Lewis Hamilton, billed as the “next great racer” and “F1 phenomenon,” finished 13th. Perhaps an unlucky number, but this is only fitting for him given his beginner’s luck last year.

Hamilton got off to a terrible start by holding down the A button before the start of the race, causing his wheels to spin and dropping behind to 10th. Hamilton, totally unprepared for the situation, started driving like a kamikaze (common theme this year), crashing into the rear of Alonso’s car. With his front wing destroyed, Hamilton began fishtailing across the track screaming obscenities toward his team on the radio.

This was also bad news for Alonso, who received considerable damage to the rear wing of his car that he would have to manage for the remainder of the race. The difference between the former World Champion and Hamilton is that Alonso knows how to take care of a crippled car, whereas Hamilton tends to panic and drop back.

Crazy Gear has learned that this is a very emotional time for Hamilton, being bested twice now by his teammate, as well as trying to show off to his new girlfriend Dannii Minogue. If it’s true that Hamilton is afflicted by vaginal spores, that would explain his lack of performance since meeting her at the Australian GP. Sometimes hormones can get the best of him, and without traction control, he’s doomed.

Formula 1 resumes in Spain after another 3 week break. Hamilton isn’t very popular in Spain for obvious reasons. Renault also has some major improvements planned for Barcelona, so watch the performance of the R28 closely.

Just moments ago, Lewis Hamilton crashed his McLaren into a wall during Friday practice. We have not yet determined exactly what caused the accident, but we do know at this point that he lost control around turn 7 of the Bahrain International Circuit.

Heading into the fast chicane (which Alonso pronounces as “chicken”), Hamilton ran out of room and struck a barrier which knocked off his front tyres and caused massive damage to his car. To make matters worse, both Ferraris passed Hamilton’s wreckage playing Max Coveri’s Running in the 90s with large bubble quotations that read “lol, chicane.”

Hamilton was unavailable for comment following the accident.